tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81968703221584815672024-03-19T05:59:38.302-07:00Through This Walk of LifeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-76291122732302940192013-10-19T11:25:00.000-07:002013-10-19T11:25:05.331-07:00expectations<img alt="photo.JPG" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=8f14dca929&view=att&th=141d1e2130c52ca5&attid=0.1&disp=thd&zw" /><br />
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A woman I have come to love posted this picture on her Facebook in the last week. On the first read through I thought of Atticus Finch, that well known and well loved man from "To Kill A Mockingbird." Atticus says: <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">And then as I considered the heart behind the woman who posted this I considered the ways she has been hurt, the ways people have judged or stereotyped or thought they had understood her. I see the ways she struggles to trust those in her life, those who may desperately want to love and respect her. We can only do so much to understand the life and journey of those around us by watching them, listening to them. If we really want to get to know someone, to love someone, to build trust and a relationship, then we must join with them in their journey, sit, stand and walk with them through the good and the bad. </span></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-81781739833057708552013-10-17T14:40:00.001-07:002013-10-17T14:40:00.401-07:00TomatoesI have learned a lot from food and about food. Four years ago I lived on boxed macaroni and cheese, popcorn, hot chocolate, ice cream, and who knows what else. But I have learned about eating healthy and cooking in carious forms. I have learned about organic v. Pesticide and genetically modified good. But I didn't realize I learned about knowledge and wisdom until I read this. It speaks for itself. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMxrIwqoH_X0zCS-yt9mO6PsLCzzTgFarIvth1q0WgNvHrxDJ1a6lsquHmekT_oK74sLFqpYJU5uT_XKdUAVbi01a6qRhD5eml_N56aGqfu-yCpFRUK_ZgERFgoxTwa7aNwqlqKPI_V6E/s640/blogger-image--1739146234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMxrIwqoH_X0zCS-yt9mO6PsLCzzTgFarIvth1q0WgNvHrxDJ1a6lsquHmekT_oK74sLFqpYJU5uT_XKdUAVbi01a6qRhD5eml_N56aGqfu-yCpFRUK_ZgERFgoxTwa7aNwqlqKPI_V6E/s640/blogger-image--1739146234.jpg"></a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-28336033102742174412013-10-10T15:03:00.001-07:002013-10-10T15:03:23.793-07:00MistakesA friend posted the picture below on Facebook with the caption: so true. It broke my heart. I thought of all the people I interact with each day. What do I notice about them and the things they do? I desire to see all of a person. I desire to walk with rhen in the good and the bad. So I make the commitment to see the tears and pain and sadness. I choose to see more than the mistakes. <div><br></div><div>And I also choose to see the joys, the victories and the blessings. I hope I'm not one of these people. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ0ygm_AL4J_uRUACcW3JGRQrMusKF12QxzdAInQmVp9PtrjoQaoCCFnKtx70wXZaSz08GUR6wgCXYrqL8vzFAxlku2qsrL18_RqxGewRLRSaRbzjc66OEhamDmLUPfPHbq8wSJKzBqac/s640/blogger-image-74109024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ0ygm_AL4J_uRUACcW3JGRQrMusKF12QxzdAInQmVp9PtrjoQaoCCFnKtx70wXZaSz08GUR6wgCXYrqL8vzFAxlku2qsrL18_RqxGewRLRSaRbzjc66OEhamDmLUPfPHbq8wSJKzBqac/s640/blogger-image-74109024.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-64596662837526089592013-10-07T16:35:00.001-07:002013-10-07T16:35:03.211-07:00Top Ten foods I miss eating....So...there is a growing list of foods that I miss eating. Some of them are foods that I don't actually want to eat again because I know their content...others are foods that I still would love to eat...or find ways to make myself that I can eat...or that I find myself cheating with.....<br />
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1. Macaroni and cheese<br />
2. Pizza....specifically with extra cheese and PEPERONI<br />
3. Nutella<br />
4. Cheese cake<br />
5. Mom's chocolate chip cookies.<br />
6. Cheese Burgers...I don't mean like a McDonald's Cheese Burger....but I mean a REALLY REALLY good cheese burger<br />
7. Chocolate milk....it is an essential part of my life when visiting my grandparents<br />
8. Soft Pretzels<br />
9. Sprinkle sandwiches....if you don't know about this side of me....you will think I'm weird if you ask<br />
10. french toast/pancakes/waffles....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-63051950200844924112013-10-03T13:25:00.001-07:002013-10-03T13:25:16.325-07:00What I learned....on the couchWe go through our days and learn many things. We learn from the time we spend reading, journaling and interacting with those who mentor us. We learn from our work: our interactions with our boss and coworkers, our professional development, and the time we work with our clients, consumers, customers...or whatever we are calling them today. We learn from our friends and the time we spend surfing the internet. But for me this week I learned by sitting on the couch. Here are just a few of the things I learned, was reminded of, or relearned this week....<br />
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1. Muscle memory for cane travel serves you nothing after a seizure.<br />
After my most recent seizures I attempted to go to work and get through my daily activities. What I found the most difficult Monday morning was simply swinging my cane left and right. I had lost all ability to move the cane and father the necessary information from it over night. That doesn't mean that I won't regain it, but it set me back in leaps and bounds.<br />
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2. Our needs will be met....above and beyond.<br />
One of the most difficult parts of my physical state is the discouragement that comes with each setback and the support I need to physically get through each day. Overtired, sore and emotional I was slammed with extra work on my first day back to work after my seizures. After calling in sick on day two I had the opportunity to be vulnerable and honest with my supervisor and a few of my close teammates. They expressed their desire to support me in any way they could. One coworker consistently checked on me to provide support and encouragement. Another drove me home and ensured I had a ride to the team building activities. My boss went as far as to give me a "motherly talk", provide the necessary emotional support and inform me that she was driving me home when I apparently looked like I was about to pass out. <br />
Outside of work friends provided assistance with making sure I could get things done that needed to get done, helped me to make the decisions I needed to make with out telling me what to do. Others helped me to explore various environmental factors that could assist me in physically getting through the symptoms. Another friend just sat with me to keep me company as I was physically compromised.<br />
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3. I find odd things relaxing.<br />
Though I couldn't gather the strength to go for a walk, do yoga or leave the house...I found other ways to feel relaxed and productive. On Tuesday evening I sat on the floor and organized my food shelf and tupper ware. I purged a closet, my bookshelf and some other not needed items. This afternoon I sat on my living room floor with a cutting board and other essential items to prep food for my soup for tomorrow's work event. <br />
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4. Saying no is sometimes the best decision and he hardest one.<br />
I was supposed to go on a prayer advance (retreat) this weekend with my spiritual family. I didn't want to miss it despite the fears and anxieties I had in going. But....I said no. Why? Because I recognized that the cost on my physical body outweighed the benefit. So instead I will spend the weekend on my couch or in my bed praying, singing and gaining physical and spiritual strength to move forward.<br />
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5. I am not superwoman and no on expects me to be.<br />
Sometimes in my head are htese expectations others have of me to do outstanding things....or rather things that aren't outstanding but quickly add up to insurmountable lists of activities. I don't need to do everything. I don't need to be superwoman. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I don't need to seek anyone's approval. The reality is that my human body can't physically take the strain that others can. I can't run marathons. I can't function on limited sleep. I can't eat fast food, take out or frozen dinners....not that anyone should... and that is ok. I know my limits...or rather I am learning them and it is ok to say no. I don't need to be superwoman.<br />
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I wouldn't say that I am fully ok with all of this...but I would say that I am growing.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-19411255566898373482013-09-24T18:02:00.001-07:002013-09-24T18:02:47.270-07:00Hate what hates youI have learned to love what loves me back. From fruits and veggies to the world of organic, from running, biking and swimming to weights and stretches and proper posture. Thus is incredible and has had a significant impact on my life. <div><br></div><div>But now I need to learn to hate what hates me back. I cook, shop and eat super healthy. I don't buy the "crap" that makes me unhealthy. But the temptation to fill up on this "junk" is so strong. Especially at work. My coworker brings in homemade cookies... And one cookie ends up being a number I can't even remember. </div><div><br></div><div>So after finishing a short run today with a dear friend and eating a wonderful salad for dinner, I lay in bed considering what hating junk looks like. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-53144418115712778142013-04-09T09:44:00.001-07:002013-04-09T09:44:10.523-07:00The other sideLast Fall I counted the cost of using my cane...and today I can say that I have pretty much reached the other side.<br />
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Now I can always see the benefits of using my cane and asking for help. I can see the benefits of being transparent and open. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned in dependence and interdependence. I experienced the difficult moments and the joy of my mask of independence being stripped away. This hit me yesterday while giving a presentation to a group of future social workers from a local college. As I sat listening to my other coworkers speak I glanced around the room at each face that I could see...and I thought just for a moment about what made each of these students an individual, what made them, them? And as I got up to speak I was reminded that each of them has something, big or small that could hold them back from being the best social worker. And yet, if they use this aspect of themselves, it can also be used to strengthen and grow them to be more effective and influencial. I was reflecting on this while thinking of a conversation from the movie <em>The Guardian</em>. The below conversation occurs when Jake Fischer is potentially getting kicked out of the academy for getting arrested after a fight in a bar. Obviously, the whole conversation doesn't apply to me...but having context helps:<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">Ben Randall:</span> [refering the the accident that killed Jake's friends] I've read the report Jake. Your blood alcohol level was zip that night. I'm guessing there was a flip for designated driver, you lost. <br />
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<span style="color: purple;">Jake Fischer: </span>I guess that just makes it all go away, huh? <br />
<span style="color: purple;">Ben Randall: </span>No, it doesn't make it all right, it just makes it an accident. At least that's how it reads. You were 16 years old Jake. I'm not your priest, but if I was I think maybe you deserve a pass. <br />
<span style="color: purple;">Jake Fischer: </span>You're giving me a pass. You think you know everything, with your psychobabble bullshit. Why am I here? Why are you here, huh? Your too old to be doing this, you washed up here. You don't want to be teaching a bunch of kids in a pool, am I right? I don't give an eff what you read or who you talked to. You don't know about me. <br />
[now yelling] <br />
<span style="color: purple;">Jake Fischer: </span>I have me under control. <br />
<span style="color: purple;">Ben Randall: </span>I can see that. The only difference between you and me is that I don't wear the ones I lost on my arm. I know where your at Jake. I'm there myself. I ask myself everyday why I was the one who survived. <br />
<span style="color: purple;">Jake Fischer:</span> And? <br />
<span style="color: purple;">Ben Randall:</span> And if I can't answer that for me, I'm certainly not going to try to answer that for you. Have a seat. I want you to start being a member of this team. The team you have now. You have a gift Jake. You're the best swimmer to come through this program, hands down, by far, and you've got a whole record board to prove it. But you know what I see when I look at it? I see someone fast enough who's going to get there first. I see someone strong enough who's going to last. I see someone who can save a life maybe no one else could. You really want to honor then initials on your arm? Then honor your gift. Save the ones you can Jake. The rest, you've got to let go. <br />
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The difference between me and the person sitting on the other side of the desk, is that I have come to a place where I can acknowledge that God has strengthened and refined me because of my disability. He has transformed my heart and my mind to meet people where they are at because of the challenges I have overcome. I can empathize with these individuals, I can see that it sucks to be where they are at, however I can see that there is a greater hope than isolating in your house because you are afraid to leave familiar surroundings.
I also knew that this change had happened in my heart when I went to leave to spend time with friends a couple of times last week and thought to myself; "ok, what do I need in my purse?" And when the answer always included "cane" with out a second thought, I knew that this had become a part of my life. It si a part of me that I don't resent, a part that I don't regret. It is simply a part.
I am so grateful for the things God will continue to teach me and do through this journey and so grateful to recognize the victory on the other side of what felt like despair and hopelessness. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-54361390233691092262013-03-19T05:35:00.000-07:002013-03-19T05:35:20.775-07:00I will not be your poster child, nor will I disgrace your nameI have had some unfortunately awkward interactions with a member of the senior leadership team of the organization I work for. I have been continually placed in a position where I feel like the "poster child" for success for individuals who are blind or visually impaired. At first it was just awkward, but as the wrestling of my heart continues I have come to a different attitude. I can't be this so called "poster child." There are so many reasons. First of all it is not in my nature to take on this role. And, while I can be a liaison between the individuals we serve and the individuals who serve, taking on this role would jeopardize my professional career. I can not wholeheartedly do the work of a social worker while meeting the goals of this individual. Most importantly, it is not the role a disciple would take. Yes, I am a "success story", but at the same time, I am an individual who is part of a family. And this role takes precedence over my role as a social worker or advocate. I cannot and will not publicize my experiences or successes in any way that will negatively effect my career or the individuals I serve...<br />
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On the other end of the spectrum I get many irrational comments from individuals in public while I am on and off the job. For instance yesterday a mother asked me "can you see?" And downtown on my way to the Y two individuals stepped out of my way as I came down the sidewalk using my cane. On saying "thank you" one child punched the other and exclaimed "see, I told you she could see us!" My boss once said to me; "you don't need to be nice when you are off the job". And While this is entirely true, I can't take on that role either. My mother taught me manners and I will live out those manners and principles. As a disciple I will not treat anyone with disrespect. And on principle I don't want to give a bad name to the population of people I represent in the public mind. Yet I do wonder that if I were bigger in a physical sense if my response would be different. If I wasn't smaller than the people who belittle me, I wonder if I would have a more bold response than just ignoring and walking away. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-65064318346325019312013-02-16T13:46:00.001-08:002013-02-16T13:46:26.940-08:00The Grass might be greener...but...This week was overwhelming...but not in a bad way. Yes, its not ideal to NOT eat lunch some days....or to eat lunch at 2pm while kneeling in front of your boss's desk asking her lots of questions. But...it wasn't bad. the overwhelming part comes as I take the steps to moving forward on my own journey.<br />
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I had my first O&M lesson this week. It went wonderfully. The grass is greener.... A cane two inches longer made a huge difference in my ability to navigate my environment. But just because the grass is greener on the other side...doesn't mean its easier. Two inches on a cane adds a little more weight to what I carry on a regular basis. Adding a rolling tip means that I have more to learn. With a rolling tip I am able to use constant contact techniques...these are more effective in knowing the surface of what I am walking on and the objects in front of me...but it means more vibrations reaching my arm. I need to build up some muscle memory and strength to use my cane regularly. In walking to the Y this morning I was in excruciating pain with my larger tipped cane because of the amount of messages reaching my arm. I think that it would be a huge adjustment to move to this cane tip.<br />
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I also began my adaptive tech assessment Friday. For so long I have just used the minimal accommodations available to me by changing the resolution and settings on my computer...but that is now not cutting it. As my coworker and I began exploring the different options I began to get so excited. Most adaptive tech doesn't work for someone with my eye condition because of field loss. It is difficult to follow jumpy programs and see large print. When things get blurry or too big...they become too difficult to see...so we are working with a small frame. But these simple modifications made to my computer could make things much easier. It will be a learning curve of becoming used to using a screen reader. And as we explore these options I am reminded of all the ways using these modifications will make it that much easier for others to see what I am doing from a farther distance.<br />
Then she showed me these simple handheld magnifiers that I could use in many environments. Like...I am in the grocery store and won't have difficulty reading an ingredients list or allergy notes? I can read the instructions list easier when i'm cooking? or how about when I am at a restaurant and can't read the menu? How about the times I am in intake and can't read the tiny papers someone hands me? It might help with all of t hem. Its one more thing to carry. Its one more than to learn to use.<br />
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I have choices. I have the choice to accept the joy of being able to do these things....or I have the choice to be weighed down by the annoyance of one more thing to carry or learn to use. Its a hard choice. Its a choice I have to make each day for that day...not for tomorrow. Not for next week...but for today. Today...I choose to be honest with myself and do my best to be honest with others. That's what I can do today...tomorrow might be another step forward.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-74586724066655085632013-02-08T06:03:00.000-08:002013-02-08T06:03:44.970-08:00looking back and moving forwardYesterday I had the odd opportunity of attending a play therapy class with a friend of mine. I went for many reasons, many of which I didn't tell people before hand. I went because I respect and admire the professor who teaches it and I wanted to see her. I went because I miss education...ok so that is a loaded response. But after sitting in the class I walked away with a new perspective on my education, my career and who I am.<br />
As I sat in class something the professor said stuck with me. The topic was on Filial therapy and a conversation proceeded as to why parents were reluctant to participate. But the answer is simple: because it is uncomfortable, because we don't want to fail, because we don't want to look stupid. Its the same with school. We don't want to do the presentations because it means putting our vulnerable selves out there. This is one reason I was comfortable going back to class. Because it is comfortable, known and I know that I can overcome the challenges it brings. But it was more than that. I hunger for knowledge. I hunger to learn and grow and become a stronger and more effective social worker. I desire to further who I am in my position. I desire to learn the things that I lack. When I was in school I focused on what I thought was beneficial. I focused on what I thought I would need to know in order to achieve success. But now that I am on the other side, now that I am putting that practice to knowledge...I am wishing I focused on other things. I am wishing I had invested my time in the things I know now would be beneficial. I wish now that I could go back and get my degree now. To have that opportunity to learn these things again.<br />
While that is not possible. I am inspired to learn what I can. I am inspired to press through what is uncomfortable now. I look at my team leader, my boss, the woman who leads our fearless group through the everyday challenges and desire to have her experience and knowledge. For a while this intimidated me. It made me cower in frustration and fear. But then I realized that she is my go to person, the person that can share all of that knowledge and understanding. She in her own way is teaching me as I had been taught in college.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-66607794678290853892013-01-22T11:48:00.000-08:002013-01-22T11:48:45.130-08:00Wind ChillIn case anyone in the Greater Rochester area has not gone outside today...Its 13 degrees and feels like 3. Its cold. I try my best not to let the weather conditions affect my daily activities. But some things at this temperature are just stupid. Today when a coworker offered me a ride half way to work...I accepted it. Today after work...I will NOT be going swimming. To go swimming and then get in your car and drive home is one thing. To go swimming and walk for 20 minutes in the cold...not smart. <br />
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I, in this head of mine, was coming up with this great analogy for wind chill and life. See, we often find ourselves in the mids of something hard, something cold and difficult. But we can handle it. It is the speed and intensity (wind) at which it hits us that makes the situation or situations unbearable. The faster and more intense the presentation, the more difficult, painful and cold the experience.<br />
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Alright..that's all I got on this bitterly cold day. <br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-25773198439991944932013-01-12T14:10:00.002-08:002013-01-12T14:10:41.811-08:00Things I have considered...I find myself doing a lot of "considering" these days. I consider how I should spend my time, who I should surround myself with. I consider what I "feed" myself and the things I am devoted to. But here are just a few things I have been considering lately...<div>
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What does it look like for me to continue finding my identity as a disciple of Christ while seeking to fully accept who I am as a person who has a disability.</div>
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This year I joined the Y so that I could get in shape and get back into swimming. But what I have been considering is how to connect with people, build relationships and serve the people I see at the Y. It would be easier if I was walking on the track or using weights. But when you are swimming your head is under the water and it is impossible to converse with anyone whole paddling through the water. </div>
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Something I never thought I would consider is getting a guide dog. Let's not start rumors, I am NO WHERE NEAR ready to do so...but I have been thinking about it. I don't necessarily want the responsibility or the financial commitment. I don't necessarily want to devote the time...but I would have a companion. I would enhance my independence in traveling. And yes....dogs are a great conversation starter. </div>
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What does it look like for me to serve my coworkers? My coworkers are almost entirely older than me and mostly by a significant amount. I actually thoroughly enjoy this. My coworkers have a significant amount of wisdom and experience. They have a gift, a gift they are readily giving to me and to any student or new employee that comes to our department. But as I sat in my supervisor's office yesterday and she began talking about curriculum's she had used...I had a desire to strive for excellence in my career and profession. I desired to be that source of knowledge and support for others to come. With this also comes a desire to serve my coworkers. I desire to support them, pray for them and be there for them in the good and the bad. I desire to be God's hands and feet in their lives...figuring out how to be this for each of them is the challenge in front of me. </div>
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I have also been considering what it looks like to "be an adult". There are people in my life who consider someone who is stable in a job and living independently as "being an adult." There are other people in my life who consider "married (maybe with children on the way)" as being an adult. I don't want to be defined as an adult by a script. I want to be considered an adult because I have made it known that I know who I am and who's I am. That I have set a purpose for my life. I refuse to compromise who I am for anyone else's idea of what "adult" means. I refuse to play into that script, role or relationship. I will continue to be my God's and that is all that matters. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-61489570853943319952013-01-04T12:21:00.001-08:002013-01-04T12:21:14.946-08:00Life in 3DA few nights ago my roommate and I wanted to go see The Hobbit. I loved the book and I know the book is always better than the movie...but I was throroughly excited to see it....<br />
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So when I searched for showtimes and found only 3D showings at times before 9pm....I got angry. Life happens in 3D...so it makes sense that as technology progresses it wouold move to 3D. I get that. I get that its enjoyable, its an experience much more enhanced than the old school 2D movies. I get that. But I also understand that not everyone likes it. Some people are unable to see 3D because of vision loss. Some people find it sickening due to motion or light. Some people just don't like it. So offer both. That's all I have to say. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-15249605794962091372013-01-02T08:50:00.000-08:002013-01-02T08:50:00.362-08:00RantingDear City fo Rochester,<br />
I regret to inform you that you do a crappy job at plowing. You seem to do an "ok" job at plowing the main roads...but side streets are MESSY. And what happens to the side walks, bus stops and such? Side walks are piled high. Bus stops are blocked by mounds of snow from plowing and not cleared out. Side walk entrances are blocked by the snow left from plows. <br />
I understand that there are thousands of streets, sidewalks and bus stops in the city. But I also know that you pay people to do this work, work that it doesn't feel like is getting done. Ok, its a holiday and people want it off...but there are still residents that would like to safely navigate to and from their jobs, homes, and places of importance. Yesterday I hiked through knee-high snow to get home. Today I almost fell flat on my face...twice...because of the slickness of the sidewalk.<br />
I would greatly appreciate that you make a concerted effort to properly clear your sidewalks and bus stops to make traveling safe for pedestrians as well as motorists. If you need an example of the quality of work that is possible, take a look at the sidewalks in front of ABVI.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
One cold and frustrated walkerAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-21271327777055684932012-12-27T18:36:00.001-08:002012-12-27T18:36:05.296-08:00AnnoyancesWe all have annoyances. The ones I have been reminded of this week include:<br />
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People doing things they say they won't or not doing things they say they will. If they say they are going to go to the party...then they should go to the party. <br />
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Constant changing of mind or plans. This is similar to the first. If you are going to go see your friend for three days rhen go the days tiy committed to go. Don't change your mind seven times because someone may be basing their plans on your availability when you get there. <br />
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Talking to hear yourself talk or repeating phrase when saying thank you , you don't have to say it three times. <br />
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Doing something just because you know it bothers someone or not doing such thing for the same reason. Example? My sister gets really close to my face an/or kisses my face knowing it bothers me and why. <br />
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Ok. I'll stop now before I get out of control. <br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-26121693688768618472012-12-21T07:09:00.004-08:002012-12-21T07:09:54.482-08:00A Book?Several years ago my mom recommended that I write a book. I thought she was crazy. But as I journal more and blog more...I have found a love for writing. I write to share my convictions. I write to share the things I learn. To share the things I love and desire has become a joy. If I learn all these things and experience all the wonders of living life as a social worker, disciple, friend, daughter, sister and coworker but do not share them, I have given nothing. I long to share my love and the love of my journey. <br />
So a book. I knew it couldn't be fiction. Writing fiction is like trying to make up a story for a child who wants a spontaneous bedtime store...I can't do it. They are all the same. The girl marries a prince, they all live happily ever after, the mom and dad raise their child and protect them... I don't long for these stories.<br />
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So I thought about what it would mean to share my story, to share my journey in a book. Who would read it? Why would I do it? What would it look like? Where would it go or what difference would it make? Though I would love to sit down and share my story, I can't answer all of these questions. With out answering them I am not confident I can begin such a task. I know that if it was written it would be more about the things I have to share and teach than about me. It would be more about the principles that are at the core of my life and the love of my God than the what I have accomplished. <br />
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And as I ponder these questions I know two principles and ideas that have been central to who I am as a person came out in fortunes from lunch with some friends this week:<br />
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"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."<br />
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"If you want the rainbow, you have to tolerate the rain."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-64692005220935750922012-12-20T07:24:00.000-08:002012-12-20T07:24:14.229-08:00Things that do and don't matterNow that I have been walking to and from work for a week and a half I have random thoughts that do and don't matter. Things that make a difference and things that only feel like they make a difference. <br />
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Don't honk at me. Nine out of ten times I won't recognize your car so I will just ignore you...you are just creeping me out.<br />
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Don't park ON the sidewalk...and definitely don't drive towards me on the side walk. Beside the high school in my neighborhood both happen. And it isn't just cars...a SCHOOL BUS did it on more than one occasion. <br />
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Just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I celebrate Christmas....but you don't have to get all awkward and not know what to say. And don't assume that I celebrate Christmas either.<br />
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It has officially been one month since I started using my cane....ok a few days more than a month. And hasn't it been quite the journey. As I walk to and from work, around the office and doing the tasks that are amidst my daily life, I realize all the things I need to learn. I also realize all the things other people need to learn. And I could sit here and get angry or frustrated...but what good would that do? I guess its time to learn how to kindly tell the person what they need to do better.<br />
When I started this journey I knew it would be a series of changes and choices that would affect my life, primarily the way I travel. But there are things from time to time that happen that I didn't realize I would be changing. These are both wonderful and challenging. In my office we are all about accommodating and using proper techniques. Now that I use my cane multiple coworkers will greet me saying: "Hi Lindsay its ______." This is not a necessary thing for me, but there are times I am not confident of who the person is until I am closer or hear their voice. Its a simple thing that isn't necessary but in the professional world aides me as I make these changes. I have also recognized all the ways I am still doing damage to my body because of ways I sit, stand, work...etc. I don't want to make the font on my computer any bigger for multiple reasons. First of all I don't want everyone walking by to be able to read it from across the hallway, but I also can't make it too big because it will go outside my field. So instead I roll my chair all the way forward and lean into my screen so I am just a few inches from it. BAD idea. But necessary. Sometimes I wonder if I should have explored or should explore screen readers or other resistive programs. <br />
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Alright....this rambling nonsense has come to a closeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-21686305419793070462012-12-18T13:13:00.000-08:002012-12-18T13:13:29.215-08:00On holdSo 70%...or so... of my day today has been spent and will be spent on the phone. That is better than the previous position I held where 100% of my job was on the phone. But after spending 1 1/2 hours on the phone with a government agency I have learned to hate this phrase:<br />
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"All representatives are busy assisting other customers. Please remain on the line, your call is important to us."<br />
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First of all, I am not a customer...nor is the individual I am working with. Call us individuals or callers...but not customers. I am not purchasing anything from you.<br />
Secondly, you don't really care about my call and it isn't important to you. Every person I talk to when I do get a live person is rude and short. They never have the answers nor can they point me in the right direction. Also, if I don't call, or the individuals I serve don't call, we won't get your money or services so you are saving money.<br />
Third, half the time when I call I get a message that says "All circuits are busy, please try your call again later." This should not happen. You should at least be able to put on hold ever person who calls. Expect your call volume, adjust your technology and staff to the best of your ability to better serve the individuals you work with.<br />
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The recording of every representative is busy...well its different every time. Some times there is background noise and other times there isn't. Sometimes the background noise is distinct, other times it is not. Sometimes its male voices in the background, other times its female voices. So...what about training the person that spent hours of their time recording that message to answer the phone. Maybe then a few more people will get served.<br />
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I know there are way more thoughts where this came frome...but that is enough of a rant for one afternoon. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-69733936913921179042012-12-17T09:29:00.001-08:002012-12-17T09:29:05.552-08:00Pain is not meaninglessPain is no evil, unless it conquers us.<br />
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- Charles Kingsley <br />
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In the past few months and at various times in my life I have experienced extreme pain that feels meaningless. It paralyzes me physically to a point at which I cannot live out my life as Christ's Disciple. It paralyzes me emotionally. I am now at a place of discouragement and fear, a place where I see no end or relief to the pain. I see no solution...and many times I become bitter, angry, frustrated and depressed.
But I never lose sight for more than a moment of what I learn through pain. Secondly, what others learn through pain. I have learned what it means to depend on God. I have learned what it means for this body, this life, this Sukkah to be temporary. I have learned that mourning, grieving and handing the emotional turmoil of this life is far more painful than the physical pain will inflict on us. I have seen brothers and sisters join together to love, support and serve the ones they love. I have seen these same individuals overcome fears, discomforts and unforseen circumstances. I have seen them grow in their boldness and creativity in loving others and carrying out their daily activities. I have been blessed by the opportunities I have had to stand beside men and women I wouldn't generally be able to encourage or to be encouraged by. I have been humbled by the times I find myself unable to complete a daily task with out the support of others.
I have learned to bear the pain of others and to allow others to carry and feel my pain.
I can't always "make sense" of the pain or rationalize it. But I can choose gratitude for the ways I am change because of its presence in my life. And at a time like this when the pain seems to have no purpose or course I can only take refuge and hope in the God who has carried me through each course of pain. I can hope and have faith in the things I will gain because of this pain. That will carry me through. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-45944704319666357602012-12-16T17:12:00.001-08:002012-12-16T17:12:10.066-08:00MovingI have learned a few things from this most recent move. <br />
First and foremost I have a lot of crap. It makes one consider what is important. What could be worth holding on to for the future? And what is worth passing on or throwing out? "It's time" is the phrase we used to part with things we once found useful. <br />
What is important in a home? Is it the size of the kitchen or the amount of storage? Is it the type of floors or the amount of windows? Is it what floor the apartment is on or the location of the apartment in your community? In the past week I have decided that location means a great deal. But also the type of community that surrounds it. Most importantly it's who we are with and what we are committed too. I am grateful to have all of this. <br />
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I have learned that I don't feel at home until pictures are on the walls and there is food in my fridge. There are always little things that won't find their home until a few months from now... But I there is security in knowing where things belong. <br />
I have learned just how blessed we are as roommates, friends and sisters for all of the wonderful people who made this move happen and the struggles that were avoided and overcome because of the hard work, love, support and consideration. <br />
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I have learned the beauty of creativity and teamwork to organize tiny spaces. And I will continue to be grateful for all of this. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-16787008887635827202012-11-30T07:59:00.000-08:002012-11-30T07:59:54.257-08:00Other Duties As AssignedOne of the most common job description additions is "other duties as assigned". Here is a brief list of some of my "favorite" other duties:<br />
~pack boss's office: this includes cleaning out desk drawers and having entertainment of hte wonderful treasures inside<br />
~Kill spiders<br />
~get water for construction/contract workers<br />
~make signs so people don't get lost in new building/move<br />
~move an office or two<br />
~Buy boss lunch to get out of doing extra paperwork. <br />
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This list seems shorter than it has been in the past. It simply makes me laugh sometimes. We find ourselves doing the smallest, silliest and stupidest of things and come to the conclusion that it is "other duties as assigned!"Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-15360010332131157752012-11-28T12:36:00.002-08:002012-11-28T12:36:36.954-08:00Random things that pop in my head bring me back to lists like this....I thought it would be cheesy...but it actually was kind of funny.<br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;">All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From My Bible </span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Miracles happen </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Somebody loves me </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am not alone </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The majority isn't always right </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Wonderful things happen in dungeons </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Death is only skin deep </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Poverty is temporary and so is wealth </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He who dies with the most toys loses the most toys </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">You can always go home again </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Things will look better in three days </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I always have at least one friend that is closer than a brother </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Family is everywhere </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There is always something good to look forward to </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></span>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-72662604979623494082012-11-26T12:21:00.002-08:002012-11-26T12:21:17.143-08:00setbackToday I do not want to use my cane. I don't want to be identified with it, I don't want to be burdened by it. I walk around and try to carry my lunch, my phone, the key to my office...and its just one more thing. I want to be free. I want to curl up in a ball and scream and cry. I want to walk around with my hands empty and spin and dance as I prance through my office....<br />
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This would be a dip...now let's get through it. <br />
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I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. <br />
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Helen Keller
This is my statement for today, the statement that will keep me pushing through. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-55617698122456940852012-11-20T08:17:00.000-08:002012-11-20T08:17:05.492-08:00Onward in this journeyToday is day 4 of using my cane or sighted guide full time. So how is it going you ask?<br />
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Well I am incredibly uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. It is difficult to make these changes and my back is very tight and sore. My boss told me today that if I need to lay on the floor...just do it. However, I am retraining my brain to believe that the things I do "can't" be done with out assistance of a sighted guide or cane. It is an interesting concept.<br />
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I am so grateful for the support of my coworkers. Our doctor is thankful for the impact the use of my cane is having on our office in being more conscious of things happening. A coworker, who does rehab teaching and not O&M, oriented me to my office....I haven't gotten lost yet though we have had a few close calls.<br />
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Emotionally, this is a journey. My boss told me I would have days when it would go well and days when I would want to cry and scream and throw things...well they aren't days...they are moments. Yesterday I wanted to cry because I was glued to my chair in fear of not knowing my environment. Today I am mobile through the whole building....with only minimal fear and hesitation.<br />
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Talking about this is difficult. Easier with some but not with all. Let the journey continue. It will be interesting to see how NYC goes. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00943144531442315913noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8196870322158481567.post-67667066075681070262012-11-18T05:36:00.000-08:002012-11-18T05:36:20.426-08:00Give Me Your Eyes So I Can SeeAs I sit down to write this difficult post, these lyrics run through my head:<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Verdana, 'BitStream vera Sans', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;">Give me your eyes for just one second</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Verdana, 'BitStream vera Sans', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Verdana, 'BitStream vera Sans', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;">Give me your eyes so I can see</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Verdana, 'BitStream vera Sans', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Verdana, 'BitStream vera Sans', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;">Everything that I keep missing</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Verdana, 'BitStream vera Sans', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why do you think?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">By now my spiritual family, the majority of my friends/coworkers and my biological family has heard of the changes I am making in my life. Here is a brief recap before I get into the journey of how it is going (If you have already read the letter I sent out to one of these groups...jump to farther down in this post):</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">Most of you know that I have had a long battle with health difficulties. The battle for my health began long before I knew the past few years...it began during my mom's pregnancy. My parents fought to bring me into this world. And my parents raised me to be independent. This, in and of itself is not bad...or so I thought. But as the last few months have played out I have learned the significant damage my independence has had on my body, my mind and my spirit. Most people, because of my independence, do not realize the reality of the "disabilities" I face. You know about the seizures, the headaches, the stomach problems...but even that is "fuzzy". Few people understand the degree that I face these problems day by day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">A "normal" person sees 160 degrees of vision (left to right) and has 20/20 vision. What I see is 5 degrees of vision and at 20 feet what the average person sees at 60-100 depending on the day (It is worse when I am tired, have a headache or when it is really bright or dim, when i've been on the computer...etc.). For me it’s not black and white. It is not that I do or don't see something. I see some things, I infer many others and the rest I miss.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">I find myself caught between the two cultures of sighted and not sighted...I have been a partially sighted trying to fit into the sighted world...and in many ways I don't fit in to either. I have spent a lot of my life hiding from my disability, pretending it isn't there and then only in the last few years mixing the reality that I am not fully sighted with figuring out who I am. I don't want to be "Lindsay the Blind girl"...but I can't be "Lindsay the normally sighted girl." </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">I have fought to not use my cane or sighted guides for years. I have gotten to a point of accepting assistance of others in crowds or dark places and using my cane when I take the bus. However the reality is that due to my eye sight I need to look down when I walk without assistance. This has put significant pressure on my neck and back...causing headaches, back aches and other ailments that lead to other significant health concerns arising. I have also had a few falls, bumps and stumbles recently. At this point I have no significant damage done to the disks in my spine nor bone spurs formed, but with out change these things could form. As my health conditions continue to tear me away from my work and the battlefield and my vision gets worse (though I don't know why) I have been forced to consider the reality of using my cane and sighted guide more regularly. Perhaps even as a full time thing. I wish words could express how difficult this transition will be for me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">I wish that I could tell you that this would be a temporary adjustment but the reality is that just like the changes in my diet, this will be a permanent change. Actually probably more like a drawn out series of permanent changes as I strive to find what is best. It is a humbling and scary journey and requires a lot of difficult conversations with coworkers and potentially with the individuals I serve in my job not to mention friends and my family of origin. I am speaking with an orientation and mobility specialist for support and instruction as well. One thing I do know now is that I will need your physical support, your eyes, more than I have in the past. And more than anything I will need your prayers.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Something in a friend's sharing last Sunday about independence really started me realizing that this needed to be addressed and not dismissed on a daily basis. Without accepting the support of others and getting this new journey rolling....I am not living out true acceptance or dependence on God.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">As for my job? I work with individuals who, without their cane, dog or another individual, are putting themselves in harm's way each time they travel. I am no different. My prayer is that as I accept this new appendage that the individuals I serve will be empowered to accept their canes, disabilities and the help available to them. My prayer is that in talking with my coworkers I can share the convictions God has laid upon my heart through out this journey.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">There are many things I can't do. Something I can do is count the blessings that I have as a member of an incredible spiritual family who I know will not just tolerate this change but support me and help me to bring this journey full circle to where it will bring about fruit.</span></div>
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Alright...so this journey went fully underway Tuesday in talking with a coworker and then beginning yesterday by using a friend to navigate the grocery store, farm, concert and other areas. So...what has the journey been like.</div>
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Honestly...I am emotionally drained, frustrated and at a loss for words. </div>
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Grocery Store: </div>
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~Cane: impossible. Especially right now. There are too many people not looking where they are going. Too many rolling carts and flying turkeys.</div>
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Concert or crowded situations:</div>
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~Sighted guide is the only way to go if traveling with others. Too many people, trying to stay with others and not leave them behind or be left behind.</div>
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I have also learned that my concept of "eye level" is very different from others. This concept is an awful one. Eye level for a 6 foot person is different than someone at 5 feet 5 inches which is very different from a 5 foot person....plus all those kids under 4 feet tall...their eye level is my knee. But anyway...for someone standing around my height, my eye level is 6 inches to a foot lower than it should be due to the fact that I look down. </div>
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What do I do? How do I navigate my own home? Or the homes of my friends? Do I become an appendage to other? or take up the appendage of my cane?</div>
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Sunlight: wow...this will take a lot of training to continue to look straight as opposed to constantly looking down.</div>
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This journey is turning out to be very similar to county the cost of discipleship. You go in surrendering your life to Christ counting a few costs...but more importantly counting the costs and surrendering the things we never knew we were going to need to lay down. Today I have a clear picture of what it looks like to take on this new journey...but six months from now there will be new costs to count, new things to consider and new ways of getting through this journey. </div>
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