So I spent last week in Florida with dear friend. We didn't go all out in the way others do. No Disney, no late nights, no crazy adventures. We simply kept it low key and simple...however I could feel the aches in my legs as we returned back each day.
The idea was go go on a vacation but to see family in the process and to be an encouragement to each otehr and to our grandparents. For me, it was crazy. My grandparents take every opportunity to do all the things tourists should do while in Sarasota. It was a joy to walk the beaches of Siesta and Lido Keys. The sand was like flour between our toes. We learned how to play Shuffle Board and we enjoyed the luxury of fun meals.
As we transitioned to another home to spend time with I could help but notice HOW different our grandparents were. While my grandparents want to do everything with us and take us on adventures, hers were happy to let us go and do our own thing. Mine prayed before meals while hers just started the meal when the first person took a bite. But as we spent more time with them I was stopped in my tracks to see that in reality, they are so similar. Our grandparents care deeply about us and boast about the pride they have in each and every one of their grandparents. They complain as a way of showing their love and gratitude and what they are passionate about. In an odd way they bicker in the same way. Both our grandfathers don't care to participate in many of the outings...however they refuse to just let their wives go and do their own thing. They will insist on driving and sitting in the car. While they will complain the whole time, they would have it no other way. Our grandparents have worked hard for what they have and treasure every moment. I learned a lot about myself and my family as I spent time in Florida.
I learned two very interesting things about animals.
1. I learned the difference between Asian and African elephans. First, their ears are in the shape of the continent they come from. Secondly the Asian elephans all have tusks while NOT all African elephants do. African Elephants have two "fingers" on teh end of the trunk while Asian elephants have one. It was interesting to me.
2. We also learned the difference between Animal Rights Activists and Animal Welfare Advocates. An Activist would not want to see any human-animal interaction, would not want house pets and would also not like to see places like Zoos, Aniaml reserves, Busch Gardens or any other habitats. An Advocate would want to see healthy human-animal interaction. They care about and advocate for the proper care and training of animals. I personaly am an animal welfare advocate and proud of it!
My conclusion is this. Florida is a nice place to visit. However I will nto move there. Though I loved the warmth I would not want to struggle through the heat of the summer.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
remembering....
A few days ago I was cleaning out my room, discarding of things that I don't need. I came across some old papers from CMP 101 that for some reason I kept. I only read through one of them. And with tears in my eyes I threw it away.
When I left for college in 2004 I had one plan. I had no idea what degree I would get however I knew that I would get a degree in some area of helping people. I would move up to Lake Placid upon Graduation and work at the camp that had changed my life. Over the years that dream has not been met. Honestly, I don't think it will. Why? Because I have realized I have other dreams. So what made me think of this? That paper that I threw out was about a woman who had changed my life. I still think she has changed my life. Actually, I know that she saved it. She taught me about love and trust. She taught me about fear and overcoming it. She taught me about what it meant to love God. She taught me silly things and made me laugh. She gave me hope and encouraged me to never settle for less than I deserve. She cared for me and for my friends. She gave her life to loving and changing the lives of others. I spent time looking through this paper. It wasn't my best work...but it talked about who she was and how I had learned things like....humility...from her. But she hurt me.
She said she would be there...and now she is not. I know she is now married and lives somewhere in the Carolinas...but that is it. And I am ok with that. I recognize what she gave me and am grateful for that. I recognize how she hurt me and I have worked through that and learned from it. I am grateful I don't know where she is becuase I can't go looking for her. I don't even know her last name as she has gotten married since I last spoke with her.
The dream of loving and changing the lives of others is still there. But now it is much different. It is changing lives of others because of Christ and for Christ. It is living my life as a disciple. I counted the cost of letting go of this dream...and I am so grateful that I did. Yes, I still have so much gratitude and storge...but I know that to honor the gift that this woman and the other counselors at the camp gave me would be to live my life as a disciple of Christ, one day at a time carrying my cross and sharing his love.
I am grateful that I am not living in the bubble I set out to live in.
When I left for college in 2004 I had one plan. I had no idea what degree I would get however I knew that I would get a degree in some area of helping people. I would move up to Lake Placid upon Graduation and work at the camp that had changed my life. Over the years that dream has not been met. Honestly, I don't think it will. Why? Because I have realized I have other dreams. So what made me think of this? That paper that I threw out was about a woman who had changed my life. I still think she has changed my life. Actually, I know that she saved it. She taught me about love and trust. She taught me about fear and overcoming it. She taught me about what it meant to love God. She taught me silly things and made me laugh. She gave me hope and encouraged me to never settle for less than I deserve. She cared for me and for my friends. She gave her life to loving and changing the lives of others. I spent time looking through this paper. It wasn't my best work...but it talked about who she was and how I had learned things like....humility...from her. But she hurt me.
She said she would be there...and now she is not. I know she is now married and lives somewhere in the Carolinas...but that is it. And I am ok with that. I recognize what she gave me and am grateful for that. I recognize how she hurt me and I have worked through that and learned from it. I am grateful I don't know where she is becuase I can't go looking for her. I don't even know her last name as she has gotten married since I last spoke with her.
The dream of loving and changing the lives of others is still there. But now it is much different. It is changing lives of others because of Christ and for Christ. It is living my life as a disciple. I counted the cost of letting go of this dream...and I am so grateful that I did. Yes, I still have so much gratitude and storge...but I know that to honor the gift that this woman and the other counselors at the camp gave me would be to live my life as a disciple of Christ, one day at a time carrying my cross and sharing his love.
I am grateful that I am not living in the bubble I set out to live in.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Another Bus Story
I grew up in a small town where you could walk down the road and run into people who knew you from childhood. Everyone looked out for you and you were never afraid of being messed with. I never had to talk about my disability. Why? Because everyone knew. And though they often forgot that I was different (which was a relief) they looked out for me, they were not thrown off by my inability to see things and I didn't have to explain myself. So when I went away to college I had to start over, I needed to learn to tell my story for the first time. Telling my story is still a challenge at times. I was telling a small piece of my story to a dear friend on Monday night and it was heart wrenching. I realized even more that I wish I could write these things down so that I could share more effectively, communicate it without telling and retelling the stories.
I rarely take the bus home from work on Tuesdays, however this Tuesday my plans changed and I found myself standing in the cold waiting for the 11 just outside of work. As I got on the bus I found a seat near an older woman using a walker. She kindly asked me if I was completely blind. I aws grateful for the question. I would rather people ask than assume what I can or cannot see. So, I proceeded to tell her a little bit about what I see. Though it was awkward...it was a wonderful interaction. And then, things turned ugly...
I exited my bus when arriving downtown. After crossing the streets and finding my bus, a good block and a half away, I boarded the bus and quietly found a seat. A man proceeded to point and scream at me. Apparently I had "bumped" him with my cane while crossing the street. Due to the fact that it was dark I can only assume I was close to the curb and mistakenly thought I had hit the curb. But anyway....the problem occurred when he followed me onto the bus, began screaming at me and pointing with some force. H continually told me that I am not "F*ing" blind and that I had no right to "bump" him and needed to apologize. While he continued to yell I calmly stated that I was sorry and didn't realize he had hit me. He continued to yell, curse at me and call me awful names. I tried to block it out as he walked off of the bus. The woman who got on after him looked at me as tears filled my eyes and said "you stand up, curse him out, he has no right to treat you like that." I simply shook my head and let the teras trickle down my face.
As I arrived home the tears continued to fall. I was angry at how I had been treated. How not even the bus driver said anything. While I didn't agree with the statement of the woman who told me to stand up for myself...however I was secretly comforted inside by her support. My other response was anger at the accusations and assumptions he made. He should sit in "sensitivity to blindness" training at my work. He would learn a lot and I think his attitude woudl be transformed.
No, I am not blind. Yes, I can see. No, I do not like using my cane or traveling by bus. But yes, at night it is incredibly necessary for me to use my cane. By day I can listen to music while I ride the bus and walk with or without my cane...at night...that is not an option.
So to Mr. Jeff (a friend named him that), get over yourself, educate yourself and stop making assumptions about what I can and cannot do.
I rarely take the bus home from work on Tuesdays, however this Tuesday my plans changed and I found myself standing in the cold waiting for the 11 just outside of work. As I got on the bus I found a seat near an older woman using a walker. She kindly asked me if I was completely blind. I aws grateful for the question. I would rather people ask than assume what I can or cannot see. So, I proceeded to tell her a little bit about what I see. Though it was awkward...it was a wonderful interaction. And then, things turned ugly...
I exited my bus when arriving downtown. After crossing the streets and finding my bus, a good block and a half away, I boarded the bus and quietly found a seat. A man proceeded to point and scream at me. Apparently I had "bumped" him with my cane while crossing the street. Due to the fact that it was dark I can only assume I was close to the curb and mistakenly thought I had hit the curb. But anyway....the problem occurred when he followed me onto the bus, began screaming at me and pointing with some force. H continually told me that I am not "F*ing" blind and that I had no right to "bump" him and needed to apologize. While he continued to yell I calmly stated that I was sorry and didn't realize he had hit me. He continued to yell, curse at me and call me awful names. I tried to block it out as he walked off of the bus. The woman who got on after him looked at me as tears filled my eyes and said "you stand up, curse him out, he has no right to treat you like that." I simply shook my head and let the teras trickle down my face.
As I arrived home the tears continued to fall. I was angry at how I had been treated. How not even the bus driver said anything. While I didn't agree with the statement of the woman who told me to stand up for myself...however I was secretly comforted inside by her support. My other response was anger at the accusations and assumptions he made. He should sit in "sensitivity to blindness" training at my work. He would learn a lot and I think his attitude woudl be transformed.
No, I am not blind. Yes, I can see. No, I do not like using my cane or traveling by bus. But yes, at night it is incredibly necessary for me to use my cane. By day I can listen to music while I ride the bus and walk with or without my cane...at night...that is not an option.
So to Mr. Jeff (a friend named him that), get over yourself, educate yourself and stop making assumptions about what I can and cannot do.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Years go by....
I haven't updated this blog in months...I don't think anyone even reads it. But that is ok...let's see how it goes trying to update it more regularly.
In the past few weeks I have been convicted by simplicity. Yeah, I have learned this before, but I don't mean simplicity of how much junk I keep in my room. I mean simplicity in words and actions. I guess I have learned that I want my actions to follow my words. If I say I am going to send you an email, I better do it. When I love someone and speak of who they are, I want to show them that I love them. When I say I will be there to support you in person and in prayer, I want to do that. I am sick of not following through. Yeah, I am probably better than others at this...but I am still not great. In regards to loving someone...this quote came to mind:
There's something in a simple hugThat always warms the heart,It welcomes us back homeAnd makes it easier to part....~Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr.
I work in "social work". Well, kind of. And, though I have had 5 years of education and mounds of things on top of it, and I have always bought into the idea of empathy. I am just now fully applying it to my life. A simple, "wow, that must be difficult for you" goes a long way. I get angry when I get the cold shoulder...so I am not going to give the cold shoulder to someone else. I will greet this day with love and empathize with those, as they go through good and bad, to offer my support and love them.
In the past few weeks I have been convicted by simplicity. Yeah, I have learned this before, but I don't mean simplicity of how much junk I keep in my room. I mean simplicity in words and actions. I guess I have learned that I want my actions to follow my words. If I say I am going to send you an email, I better do it. When I love someone and speak of who they are, I want to show them that I love them. When I say I will be there to support you in person and in prayer, I want to do that. I am sick of not following through. Yeah, I am probably better than others at this...but I am still not great. In regards to loving someone...this quote came to mind:
There's something in a simple hugThat always warms the heart,It welcomes us back homeAnd makes it easier to part....~Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr.
I work in "social work". Well, kind of. And, though I have had 5 years of education and mounds of things on top of it, and I have always bought into the idea of empathy. I am just now fully applying it to my life. A simple, "wow, that must be difficult for you" goes a long way. I get angry when I get the cold shoulder...so I am not going to give the cold shoulder to someone else. I will greet this day with love and empathize with those, as they go through good and bad, to offer my support and love them.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
You Are More
I guess songs still mean a lot to me these days. This one keeps playing over and over in my head......so I thought I'd share
You Are More by: Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You Are More by: Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
...
You know, its been over a year since I graduated with a master's degree. Some things are the same...but it amazes me how much more has changed in the past year. I still don't have a job, but my identity is not in that. I still haven't passed that license exam...but my identity is not in that. It seems as though it has been a time of change....so what has changed...
My big brother is engaged. He will be getting married this winter. This is a whole new concept...its no longer me and my brother and sister...its my and my brother and my sister and my soon to be sister-in-law... Sister-in-law? How does that relationship work? Seriously. I am so excited for them...but its foreign. Its new. I am excited to support them and stand beside them on this day.
My idea of loving someone has completely changed. To love is not to fix everything or take the pain away. To love is not to be selfish and do things that are easy. Loving is hard. Loving means point out when someone isn't living up to the life they claim to live, loving someone means feeling their pain, loving someone means pulling all nighters in the hospital, loving someone means walking through the hard stuff to see them on the other side. Loving someone is hard...so hard.
Its been over a year since we started working with our Karen family...and today I could never picture not having them a part of my life. It is no longer a family we work with....they are OUR family...we are just as much a part of their family as they are ours. It is incredible to see a child grow up...incredible and so hard. I have become a role model to them...and they look up to us. But that means doing the hard things too.
Hard things....like losing friends, making friends, speaking truth...family stuff...
Eight years ago I spent a weekend with a dear friend from camp. We swam in the lake and we flew in Papa's plane...but since then it has only been infrequent phone calls, an email...a facebook message. But that changed us. We learned to rely on each other for conversations when no one else was around, we shared the hard stuff, and the fun stuff. We talked each other through school and graduate school. But this week we saw each other face to face. It had been so long. And yet now...I miss her so much more....its like I had learned to be where we were...and now that we have seen each other again...i miss her more.
I apologize for not keeping up on this....we'll try to be better...and I'll try to share some of the things that have happened since November...you know....the things that have made me who I am today...
My big brother is engaged. He will be getting married this winter. This is a whole new concept...its no longer me and my brother and sister...its my and my brother and my sister and my soon to be sister-in-law... Sister-in-law? How does that relationship work? Seriously. I am so excited for them...but its foreign. Its new. I am excited to support them and stand beside them on this day.
My idea of loving someone has completely changed. To love is not to fix everything or take the pain away. To love is not to be selfish and do things that are easy. Loving is hard. Loving means point out when someone isn't living up to the life they claim to live, loving someone means feeling their pain, loving someone means pulling all nighters in the hospital, loving someone means walking through the hard stuff to see them on the other side. Loving someone is hard...so hard.
Its been over a year since we started working with our Karen family...and today I could never picture not having them a part of my life. It is no longer a family we work with....they are OUR family...we are just as much a part of their family as they are ours. It is incredible to see a child grow up...incredible and so hard. I have become a role model to them...and they look up to us. But that means doing the hard things too.
Hard things....like losing friends, making friends, speaking truth...family stuff...
Eight years ago I spent a weekend with a dear friend from camp. We swam in the lake and we flew in Papa's plane...but since then it has only been infrequent phone calls, an email...a facebook message. But that changed us. We learned to rely on each other for conversations when no one else was around, we shared the hard stuff, and the fun stuff. We talked each other through school and graduate school. But this week we saw each other face to face. It had been so long. And yet now...I miss her so much more....its like I had learned to be where we were...and now that we have seen each other again...i miss her more.
I apologize for not keeping up on this....we'll try to be better...and I'll try to share some of the things that have happened since November...you know....the things that have made me who I am today...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
These are some of those lyrics that have simply stood out to me lately. I am nothing with out Christ. All I have is ugliness, bitterness, anger, frustration, jealous...but when he looks at me, all he sees is a reflection of him. I have been moved by these words, changed by the truth that they bring....so I thought I would pass them along.....
THE ONLY THING: Ronnie Freeman
I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them
No sooner had they said these words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment
Cause I know the heart inside this man
I know the truth of who I am...
(Chorus)
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised
Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise
But you'd see the work His grace has done
You'd know just how far I've come
In a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life
And see in perfect light
(Chorus)
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
Todd Agnew - Something Beautiful Lyrics
I am struggling to find a way to make myself attractive to You
Attractive to You
I am trying to be more deserving of the gift You gave to me
So free
CHORUS
It's funny how all I can be
Is someone completely ugly
And yet when You look at me
You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection
Of something beautiful
I am searching for the water that can wash me clean enough
To earn Your love
I want to stop all the things that break Your heart
But come so natural to me, naturally
CHORUS
It's funny how all I can be
Is someone completely ugly
And yet when You look at me
You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection
Of something beautiful
I can't believe you could fall in love with me
CHORUS
And it's funny how all I can be
Is someone completely ugly
And yet when You look at me
You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection
Of something beautiful
You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection
Of something beautiful
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