remembering....

A few days ago I was cleaning out my room, discarding of things that I don't need. I came across some old papers from CMP 101 that for some reason I kept. I only read through one of them. And with tears in my eyes I threw it away.

When I left for college in 2004 I had one plan. I had no idea what degree I would get however I knew that I would get a degree in some area of helping people. I would move up to Lake Placid upon Graduation and work at the camp that had changed my life. Over the years that dream has not been met. Honestly, I don't think it will. Why? Because I have realized I have other dreams. So what made me think of this? That paper that I threw out was about a woman who had changed my life. I still think she has changed my life. Actually, I know that she saved it. She taught me about love and trust. She taught me about fear and overcoming it. She taught me about what it meant to love God. She taught me silly things and made me laugh. She gave me hope and encouraged me to never settle for less than I deserve. She cared for me and for my friends. She gave her life to loving and changing the lives of others. I spent time looking through this paper. It wasn't my best work...but it talked about who she was and how I had learned things like....humility...from her. But she hurt me.
She said she would be there...and now she is not. I know she is now married and lives somewhere in the Carolinas...but that is it. And I am ok with that. I recognize what she gave me and am grateful for that. I recognize how she hurt me and I have worked through that and learned from it. I am grateful I don't know where she is becuase I can't go looking for her. I don't even know her last name as she has gotten married since I last spoke with her.
The dream of loving and changing the lives of others is still there. But now it is much different. It is changing lives of others because of Christ and for Christ. It is living my life as a disciple. I counted the cost of letting go of this dream...and I am so grateful that I did. Yes, I still have so much gratitude and storge...but I know that to honor the gift that this woman and the other counselors at the camp gave me would be to live my life as a disciple of Christ, one day at a time carrying my cross and sharing his love.

I am grateful that I am not living in the bubble I set out to live in.