Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Why do you think?
By now my spiritual family, the majority of my friends/coworkers and my biological family has heard of the changes I am making in my life. Here is a brief recap before I get into the journey of how it is going (If you have already read the letter I sent out to one of these groups...jump to farther down in this post):
Most of you know that I have had a long battle with health difficulties. The battle for my health began long before I knew the past few years...it began during my mom's pregnancy. My parents fought to bring me into this world. And my parents raised me to be independent. This, in and of itself is not bad...or so I thought. But as the last few months have played out I have learned the significant damage my independence has had on my body, my mind and my spirit. Most people, because of my independence, do not realize the reality of the "disabilities" I face. You know about the seizures, the headaches, the stomach problems...but even that is "fuzzy". Few people understand the degree that I face these problems day by day.
A "normal" person sees 160 degrees of vision (left to right) and has 20/20 vision. What I see is 5 degrees of vision and at 20 feet what the average person sees at 60-100 depending on the day (It is worse when I am tired, have a headache or when it is really bright or dim, when i've been on the computer...etc.). For me it’s not black and white. It is not that I do or don't see something. I see some things, I infer many others and the rest I miss.
I find myself caught between the two cultures of sighted and not sighted...I have been a partially sighted trying to fit into the sighted world...and in many ways I don't fit in to either. I have spent a lot of my life hiding from my disability, pretending it isn't there and then only in the last few years mixing the reality that I am not fully sighted with figuring out who I am. I don't want to be "Lindsay the Blind girl"...but I can't be "Lindsay the normally sighted girl."
I have fought to not use my cane or sighted guides for years. I have gotten to a point of accepting assistance of others in crowds or dark places and using my cane when I take the bus. However the reality is that due to my eye sight I need to look down when I walk without assistance. This has put significant pressure on my neck and back...causing headaches, back aches and other ailments that lead to other significant health concerns arising. I have also had a few falls, bumps and stumbles recently. At this point I have no significant damage done to the disks in my spine nor bone spurs formed, but with out change these things could form. As my health conditions continue to tear me away from my work and the battlefield and my vision gets worse (though I don't know why) I have been forced to consider the reality of using my cane and sighted guide more regularly. Perhaps even as a full time thing. I wish words could express how difficult this transition will be for me.
I wish that I could tell you that this would be a temporary adjustment but the reality is that just like the changes in my diet, this will be a permanent change. Actually probably more like a drawn out series of permanent changes as I strive to find what is best. It is a humbling and scary journey and requires a lot of difficult conversations with coworkers and potentially with the individuals I serve in my job not to mention friends and my family of origin. I am speaking with an orientation and mobility specialist for support and instruction as well. One thing I do know now is that I will need your physical support, your eyes, more than I have in the past. And more than anything I will need your prayers.
Something in a friend's sharing last Sunday about independence really started me realizing that this needed to be addressed and not dismissed on a daily basis. Without accepting the support of others and getting this new journey rolling....I am not living out true acceptance or dependence on God.
As for my job? I work with individuals who, without their cane, dog or another individual, are putting themselves in harm's way each time they travel. I am no different. My prayer is that as I accept this new appendage that the individuals I serve will be empowered to accept their canes, disabilities and the help available to them. My prayer is that in talking with my coworkers I can share the convictions God has laid upon my heart through out this journey.
There are many things I can't do. Something I can do is count the blessings that I have as a member of an incredible spiritual family who I know will not just tolerate this change but support me and help me to bring this journey full circle to where it will bring about fruit.
Alright...so this journey went fully underway Tuesday in talking with a coworker and then beginning yesterday by using a friend to navigate the grocery store, farm, concert and other areas. So...what has the journey been like.
Honestly...I am emotionally drained, frustrated and at a loss for words.
Grocery Store:
~Cane: impossible. Especially right now. There are too many people not looking where they are going. Too many rolling carts and flying turkeys.
Concert or crowded situations:
~Sighted guide is the only way to go if traveling with others. Too many people, trying to stay with others and not leave them behind or be left behind.
I have also learned that my concept of "eye level" is very different from others. This concept is an awful one. Eye level for a 6 foot person is different than someone at 5 feet 5 inches which is very different from a 5 foot person....plus all those kids under 4 feet tall...their eye level is my knee. But anyway...for someone standing around my height, my eye level is 6 inches to a foot lower than it should be due to the fact that I look down.
What do I do? How do I navigate my own home? Or the homes of my friends? Do I become an appendage to other? or take up the appendage of my cane?
Sunlight: wow...this will take a lot of training to continue to look straight as opposed to constantly looking down.
This journey is turning out to be very similar to county the cost of discipleship. You go in surrendering your life to Christ counting a few costs...but more importantly counting the costs and surrendering the things we never knew we were going to need to lay down. Today I have a clear picture of what it looks like to take on this new journey...but six months from now there will be new costs to count, new things to consider and new ways of getting through this journey.
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