The Grass might be greener...but...

This week was overwhelming...but not in a bad way. Yes, its not ideal to NOT eat lunch some days....or to eat lunch at 2pm while kneeling in front of your boss's desk asking her lots of questions. But...it wasn't bad. the overwhelming part comes as I take the steps to moving forward on my own journey.

I had my first O&M lesson this week. It went wonderfully. The grass is greener.... A cane two inches longer made a huge difference in my ability to navigate my environment. But just because the grass is greener on the other side...doesn't mean its easier. Two inches on a cane adds a little more weight to what I carry on a regular basis. Adding a rolling tip means that I have more to learn. With a rolling tip I am able to use constant contact techniques...these are more effective in knowing the surface of what I am walking on and the objects in front of me...but it means more vibrations reaching my arm. I need to build up some muscle memory and strength to use my cane regularly. In walking to the Y this morning I was in excruciating pain with my larger tipped cane because of the amount of messages reaching my arm. I think that it would be a huge adjustment to move to this cane tip.

I also began my adaptive tech assessment Friday.  For so long I have just used the minimal accommodations available to me by changing the resolution and settings on my computer...but that is now not cutting it. As my coworker and I began exploring the different options I began to get so excited. Most adaptive tech doesn't work for someone with my eye condition because of field loss. It is difficult to follow jumpy programs and see large print. When things get blurry or too big...they become too difficult to see...so we are working with a small frame. But these simple modifications made to my computer could make things much easier. It will be a learning curve of becoming used to using a screen reader. And as we explore these options I am reminded of all the ways using these modifications will make it that much easier for others to see what I am doing from a farther distance.
Then she showed me these simple handheld magnifiers that I could use in many environments. Like...I am in the grocery store and won't have difficulty reading an ingredients list or allergy notes? I can read the instructions list easier when i'm cooking? or how about when I am at a restaurant and can't read the menu? How about the times I am in intake and can't read the tiny papers someone hands me? It might help with all of t hem. Its one more thing to carry. Its one more than to learn to use.

I have choices. I have the choice to accept the joy of being able to do these things....or I have the choice to be weighed down by the annoyance of one more thing to carry or learn to use. Its a hard choice. Its a choice I have to make each day for that day...not for tomorrow. Not for next week...but for today. Today...I choose to be honest with myself and do my best to be honest with others. That's what I can do today...tomorrow might be another step forward.

looking back and moving forward

Yesterday I had the odd opportunity of attending a play therapy class with a friend of mine. I went for many reasons, many of which I didn't tell people before hand. I went because I respect and admire the professor who teaches it and I wanted to see her. I went because I miss education...ok so that is a loaded response. But after sitting in the class I walked away with a new perspective on my education, my career and who I am.
As I sat in class something the professor said stuck with me. The topic was on Filial therapy and a conversation proceeded as to why parents were reluctant to participate. But the answer is simple: because it is uncomfortable, because we don't want to fail, because we don't want to look stupid. Its the same with school. We don't want to do the presentations because it means putting our vulnerable selves out there. This is one reason I was comfortable going back to class. Because it is comfortable, known and I know that I can overcome the challenges it brings. But it was more than that. I hunger for knowledge. I hunger to learn and grow and become a stronger and more effective social worker. I desire to further who I am in my position. I desire to learn the things that I lack. When I was in school I focused on what I thought was beneficial. I focused on what I thought I would need to know in order to achieve success. But now that I am on the other side, now that I am putting that practice to knowledge...I am wishing I focused on other things. I am wishing I had invested my time in the things I know now would be beneficial. I wish now that I could go back and get my degree now. To have that opportunity to learn these things again.
While that is not possible. I am inspired to learn what I can. I am inspired to press through what is uncomfortable now. I look at my team leader, my boss, the woman who leads our fearless group through the everyday challenges and desire to have her experience and knowledge. For a while this intimidated me. It made me cower in frustration and fear. But then I realized that she is my go to person, the person that can share all of that knowledge and understanding. She in her own way is teaching me as I had been taught in college.

Wind Chill

In case anyone in the Greater Rochester area has not gone outside today...Its 13 degrees and feels like 3. Its cold. I try my best not to let the weather conditions affect my daily activities. But some things at this temperature are just stupid. Today when a coworker offered me a ride half way to work...I accepted it. Today after work...I will NOT be going swimming. To go swimming and then get in your car and drive home is one thing. To go swimming and walk for 20 minutes in the cold...not smart.

I, in this head of mine, was coming up with this great analogy for wind chill and life. See, we often find ourselves in the mids of something hard, something cold and difficult. But we can handle it. It is the speed and intensity (wind) at which it hits us that makes the situation or situations unbearable. The faster and more intense the presentation, the more difficult, painful and cold the experience.

Alright..that's all I got on this bitterly cold day.

Things I have considered...

I find myself doing a lot of "considering" these days. I consider how I should spend my time, who I should surround myself with. I consider what I "feed" myself and the things I am devoted to. But here are just a few things I have been considering lately...

What does it look like for me to continue finding my identity as a disciple of Christ while seeking to fully accept who I am as a person who has a disability.

This year I joined the Y so that I could get in shape and get back into swimming. But what I have been considering is how to connect with people, build relationships and serve the people I see at the Y. It would be easier if I was walking on the track or using weights. But when you are swimming your head is under the water and it is impossible to converse with anyone whole paddling through the water. 

Something I never thought I would consider is getting a guide dog. Let's not start rumors, I am NO WHERE NEAR ready to do so...but I have been thinking about it. I don't necessarily want the responsibility or the financial commitment. I don't necessarily want to devote the time...but I would have a companion. I would enhance my independence in traveling. And yes....dogs are a great conversation starter. 

What does it look like for me to serve my coworkers? My coworkers are almost entirely older than me and mostly by a significant amount. I actually thoroughly enjoy this. My coworkers have a significant amount of wisdom and experience. They have a gift, a gift they are readily giving to me and to any student or new employee that comes to our department. But as I sat in my supervisor's office yesterday and she began talking about curriculum's she had used...I had a desire to strive for excellence in my career and profession. I desired to be that source of knowledge and support for others to come. With this also comes a desire to serve my coworkers. I desire to support them, pray for them and be there for them in the good and the bad. I desire to be God's hands and feet in their lives...figuring out how to be this for each of them is the challenge in front of me. 

I have also been considering what it looks like to "be an adult". There are people in my life who consider someone who is stable in a job and living independently as "being an adult." There are other people in my life who consider "married (maybe with children on the way)" as being an adult. I don't want to be defined as an adult by a script. I want to be considered an adult because I have made it known that I know who I am and who's I am. That I have set a purpose for my life. I refuse to compromise who I am for anyone else's idea of what "adult" means. I refuse to play into that script, role or relationship. I will continue to be my God's and that is all that matters. 

Life in 3D

A few nights ago my roommate and I wanted to go see The Hobbit. I loved the book and I know the book is always better than the movie...but I was throroughly excited to see it....

So when I searched for showtimes and found only 3D showings at times before 9pm....I got angry. Life happens in 3D...so it makes sense that as technology progresses it wouold move to 3D. I get that. I get that its enjoyable, its an experience much more enhanced than the old school 2D movies. I get that. But I also understand that not everyone likes it. Some people are unable to see 3D because of vision loss. Some people find it sickening due to motion or light. Some people just don't like it.  So offer both. That's all I have to say.

Ranting

Dear City fo Rochester,
I regret to inform you that you do a crappy job at plowing. You seem to do an "ok" job at plowing the main roads...but side streets are MESSY. And what happens to the side walks, bus stops and such? Side walks are piled high. Bus stops are blocked by mounds of snow from plowing and not cleared out. Side walk entrances are blocked by the snow left from plows.
I understand that there are thousands of streets, sidewalks and bus stops in the city. But I also know that you pay people to do this work, work that it doesn't feel like is getting done. Ok, its a holiday and people want it off...but there are still residents that would like to safely navigate to and from their jobs, homes, and places of importance. Yesterday I hiked through knee-high snow to get home. Today I almost fell flat on my face...twice...because of the slickness of the sidewalk.
I would greatly appreciate that you make a concerted effort to properly clear your sidewalks and bus stops to make traveling safe for pedestrians as well as motorists. If you need an example of the quality of work that is possible, take a look at the sidewalks in front of ABVI.
Sincerely,
One cold and frustrated walker

Annoyances

We all have annoyances. The ones I have been reminded of this week include:

People doing things they say they won't or not doing things they say they will. If they say they are going to go to the party...then they should go to the party.

Constant changing of mind or plans. This is similar to the first. If you are going to go see your friend for three days rhen go the days tiy committed to go. Don't change your mind seven times because someone may be basing their plans on your availability when you get there.

Talking to hear yourself talk or repeating phrase when saying thank you , you don't have to say it three times.

Doing something just because you know it bothers someone or not doing such thing for the same reason. Example? My sister gets really close to my face an/or kisses my face knowing it bothers me and why.


Ok. I'll stop now before I get out of control.